It's scary how things can just gradually creep up on you when you keep things in. Then something happens, or you see or hear something, that makes you realise what's going on. That something that lifts the veil that has been keeping you in darkness.. I had one of my darker days in a long while yesterday. I've worked long hours, and probably too many hours than I should have, in the last couple of months. And I think I've used that as an excuse for being tired, struggling with insomnia (or just generally screwed up sleeping patterns), and just generally not feeling motivated to do anything. It wasn't until yesterday that I realised how far back I'd slid, and what was actually going on.
There's obviously been a lot written about depression in the last few days following the passing of Robin Williams who had struggled with addiction and depression for many years, and whose death was suspected suicide (not sure if there's been any formal confirmation that it was suicide, but that's beside the point). The numerous posts about depression on Twitter/Facebook, articles written about it on news sites, etc is I think what made me realise just what was/is going on in my case. What I've tried to dismiss as just being overworked.
Reading an article attempting to describe what depression does to you yesterday it made me realise how down-hill I had gone since I got back from my holiday visiting my family in Sweden. It made me realise I had been re-hashing the past in my head; overthinking it, overanalysing it, believing the lies that there must something wrong with me since the two (longterm I might add) relationships I've been in in my adult life both ended in pretty much a similar situation. At one point yesterday I also came to the realisation that I wasn't even excited about going to New York in a few weeks. The trip that's been a dream of mine for quite a while. The trip that I have been working my a*** off doing the night shift and extra hours an overtime in the last 4 months to be able to finance. And I couldn't work up any enthusiasm for it! At the time, whilst curled up in bed trying to stop my brain from racing and actually getting more than 30-45 minutes sleep at a time, it seemed perfectly logical. Today it scares me that it got so far that I wasn't even excited about 11 days in New York, a trip I've been planning (and have been exited about) for months!..
I suspect that my mum probably had an inkling that something was going on even when I was over to see them a couple of weeks ago. I don't know, mum's seem to have this knack for these things. In a way I hope she comes across this somehow and reads it, and in a way I don't.. I don't want her to worry about me as well, and I think she has enough on at the moment. And I know you're supposed to talk to someone if you're depressed. I just don't know if I could talk to my mum about it though.. I've gotten better at it over the years though, and I can talk about realisations I've had coming out of an episode of depression (but not necessarily have told her that it was depression that led me to that realisation). I'm in general a master at bottling things up and not talking to people about my emotions, until it gets to that point where it goes too far and I'll just end up crying at something that wouldn't normally effect me. It'll get to the point of something setting me off and I'll end up crying until I'm fighting for breath and it feels like I have no tears left.
What I need to learn is to spot the signs earlier on in this seemingly never-ending cycle of depression, and learn what is likely to be a trigger. Learn to recognise the lies that the depression is putting in my head, the lies that it makes me believe. I need to learn that they are just that - lies. Depression lies.
I also need to find an outlet for my emotions. If it's not by talking to someone then letting them out in writing, be it in a personal journal or on here. It feels like there would be more (to use my "favourite" buzz-word from work) accountability if I wrote on here than in a personal journal for the most of it. On here someone could actually read it, whereas if I were to write in my (by now dusty, given how long it was since I used it last) journal on my bedside table that wouldn't happen. Also, someone might read this and it might in some way help them. I find it so much easier to vent feelings/emotions in writing than I do talking about them. To be honest, I would not have been able to talk to someone about the above. Hence my random tweets letting my feelings out sometimes.
Came across this beautifully put poem yesterday which appeared on my Twitter timeline has having been retweeted by someone else. The post was made by Jamie Tworkowski, and the title is There is Still Some Time.
There is Still Some Time
If you feel too much, there's still a place for you here.
If you feel too much, don't go.
If this world is too painful, stop and rest.
It's okay to stop and rest.
If you need a break, it's okay to say you need a break.
This life - it's not a contest, not a race, not a performance, not a thing that you win.
It's okay to slow down.
You are here for more than grades, more than a job, more than a promotion, more than keeping up, more than getting by.
This life is not about status or opinion or appearance.
You don't have to fake it.
You do not have to fake it.
Other people feel this way too.
If your heart is broken, it's okay to say your heart is broken.
If you feel stuck, it's okay to say you feel stuck.
If you can't let go, it's okay to say you can't let go.
You are not alone in these places.
Other people feel how you feel.
You are more than just your pain. You are more than wounds, more than drugs, more than death and silence.
There is still some time to be surprised.
There is still some time to ask for help.
There is still some time to start again.
There is still some time for love to find you.
It's not too late.
You're not alone.
It's okay - whatever you need and however long it takes - it's okay.
It's okay.
If you feel too much, there's still a place for you here.
If you feel too much, don't go.
There is still some time.
